Sorry in Advance

I can rant, too. And, unlike you, I don't feel the need to hide everything. I'm not afraid of talking about us publicly. Good or bad.

You keep calling me "controlling." You have implied it before, but in your rant you directly called me that. That hurt. I gave you an ultimatum to stop talking to Ross. Apparently I am not the only one who does not see what is wrong with what he has done. I told you some of the people that had. You defended him. That hurt. It's like you think I have taken something personal against him. Well, actually, I have with all the love he professes for you and the lies and the maneuvers to hurt me and win you back. I guess I mean you think I have no real reason to. That ultimatum was a choice, not a command. But it conveyed seriousness. Do you realize how long this has gone on? I still have nightmares about that kid. I told you about the one I had recently. "Would you please stop talking to Ross?" wouldn't cut it. He's beyond persistent. He's obsessed. Well, I mean, we all knew that from day one, but he's like a whole new level of that. I thought you might say "no" to my ultimatum. Obviously a request like that would be even easier to say that to. While I understood you may not like that, even though you pretended you were fine with it at first (though you told me about how Ross chose for you; I was scared then because that made me look horrible and all wrong about Ross, but, as I said, I've figured him out, and he was pleading to talk to you nonstop again the very next day), I couldn't stay perfectly fine knowing you were talking to your "best friend, Ross" again like everything was normal. If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't be here having worried about that. It's him. ARGH. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT!?! To top it off, you decided to half-heartedly "apologize" and decide on your own not to talk to him only after talking to Jonathan about it. I like Jonathan, that's not what I meant. I mean once again you say you were coerced into your choice that I was trying to convey to you by another person. It is nice how your decisions are made by other people.

The ultimatum couldn't be an order either. Your "You say, 'Jump.' I say, 'How high?'" comment was horrible. That hurt. As I repeatedly said, I thought there was a good chance you would say "no." The consequence of saying "no" wasn't leaving you, as you thought by way of thinking that it was a command. That is also how I am not "manipulative." How can I be that if I am not able to "be a man" and be in control?

The statuses Kejing told me about of Ross's from today were: "Fuck Ryan and his rediculus ultimatum. . . . he forced her to pick me and her being friends which she wanted or them dating!!! he has ruined everything for me. . . i was never like this and i never will be what i was again" and "most important is what is on my arm. . . ILL that always comes first." I had to find them out from her because Ross blocked me through any contact on the computer. Ironically, the last thing he has said to me was about his hope that we could be friends. That's his apologetic tone. I think you realize he changes. HE is a good manipulator. The last several conversations I had had with him, all the way back to January, I believe, were solely horrible. The one time I was mean first, while at least you didn't seem all that sympathetic for him (he was even worse back to me, also, remember that I don't curse, and was especially hurt by how I mentioned February 12 was coming up; his life was built around that), you couldn't understand that. He has been horrible to me, too. It was almost comedic, his personal insults would be followed the next day by apologies on how he finally saw the light and would stop stalking you and such, followed the next day to a complete reversion to the two-days-before Ross. HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM COMING FROM?

Apparently, this would've been a little more okay if I was jealous of him. Why should I be jealous of him? HE chooses to live his life that way, in complete reverence of you and hatred of me. He was your best friend. He was also your fiancee. You had to have lied about your past with him because to feel this way for him now there had to be way more great things about your relationship with him than bad things. But then it would've ended nicely and ya'll would've never fought.

Also, right afterwards on Wednesday, you mentioned Ross. That hurt. I guess I am jealous for the feelings you have for him. I do not mean romantic feelings; but your judgment is horrible. You are very mindful of all the past, except for the last four and a half months. If you even thought about those we would not be in disagreement over all this.

This is our fourth fight (I consider Thursday and then Friday-now, sort of two different ones) in the last week. That is ridiculous. All seem to be getting worse and more disagreeable. It all gets worse that, no matter what happens, Ross won't go away. He is just so persistent. It's worse that what he is doing because of his "love" for you shows he doesn't really, to be honest.

I don't even think I can go on. There is just too much and it is 1:07 AM now and I have to go lay in bed for hours worrying about all this so I can get a little sleep.